It's official

I weighed in yesterday and I have officially lost 20 pounds. I'm getting to the point where food doesn't dominate my thoughts. Sometimes I get so tired of trying to figure out what to eat that I don't want to eat anything. That's not good though. I know this. I can relate to anorexia. It's a compulsion that turns into an obsession. Anorexia is about control, but I think it starts somewhere - you don't just wake up one day and say, "I know, I'm going to stop eating today!" It starts with a diet. You try to lose a little faster so you eat less and less. Then you stop eating all together.

Stats: 165/144.12/135

The great slimdini

Today, I wore pants that have never fit me and they were loose. I wore a turtleneck that my husband bought three Christmases ago without a shirt over it. I don't know why these suddenly fit - and look good enough for me to venture out for a shopping trip wearing them. My weight is not my lowest, not by far. Is it that I'm working out?

I am buying mediums now. The large is too big. I tried a purple shirt and dark jeans on. When I looked in the mirror I saw an illusion of my head on someone else's body. It was so amazing. I am getting thinner. Yay me!

Stats: 165/146.4/135

My cheatin' mouth, will tell on me...

Diet news. I'm getting really bored with the Slim4Life diet and as a result, I've been cheating.

Last weekend I made a lasagna casserole with mini meatballs. I picked at it so much that I probably had more than everyone who just put it on a plate! I also had Chinese takeout - a definite no no in a low carb diet - and I didn't just have the chow mein - I had the NOODLES. Yay! Lots of noodles. I was out of control! Yikes! At least I know my trigger foods and not to get lo mein again. It's just too tempting. At least with the lasagna, I was going for the meatballs and cheese more than the noodles.

Anyhoo, I went to the gym after each cheat and worked off 400 calories on the treadclimber. I've read that on a low carb diet it takes 3 days to recover from a cheat. I still feel good about the weightloss though - my weightloss (own it, show it, be proud).

I weighed in last Tuesday, the second day of my sixth week on the weight loss phase, and I'll post that stat here. I also weigh in today. I feel good, but that scale is a lyin' varmint sometimes. I do know that I'm approaching the weight on my drivers license. Small victories!
Stats: 165/148.4/135

It's a New Day

I've recovered from my fugue state of last week. I'm still pissed, but there's nothing much that I can do.

One lasting effect of my past week is that I am supposed to begin my TA stint for "Self-editing for Fiction Writers" this week and the assignment that I gave my students last week was really hard. The assignment is to rewrite three paragraphs that "tell" into paragraphs that "show." They were exercises from the book, so I took the easy way out and assigned them.

Well, I went through it today and I couldn't even do it! They must hate me. Whatever, right? I was on an anti-anxiety Lorazepam high.

I decided I'd give them this in-class assignment to make up for it, sort of put myself out there. They will split into small groups and edit my stuff. Then we'll regroup and share. I'll tell them the real story and we'll talk about how editing fiction is one thing, but if this were a real news story, they'd have to defer to the author and make suggestions... or something like that. Here it is:

If she had it to do over, Betzy would not have had the students do the exercises at the end of the first chapter. But the week prior to class was a stressful time for her -- especially Monday. The day started out with the sadness and anger that usually accompanied September 11th and ended with the stress of being robbed. This left her in a sort of fugue state for the rest of the week and, consequently, she put less thought into the assignment that she normally would have.

We'll see how it goes. Then again, maybe I'll just pretend I didn't think the assignment was hard.

I bought an Emmy three episode VHS tape of the Chris Isaak Show off of EBay. LOVE that show, but the shirt for brains people at fka Showtime won't release the series on DVD. I paid 36 bucks, it's really grainy and totally worth it. Anyway, I'm going to go watch it now.

Stats: 165/150/135

Get Over It

I can't get over this thing, this feeling, this anger. Maybe yesterday will be the day that I changed. I'll look back and say, yep, that was the day that it all started - whatever "it" will be. I'm walking around in a daze. Why are people so crappy? Dunno - don't much care anymore either. What's the use in being a good person? Dunno - don't want to make that effort anymore.

There's a woman who lives on the other side of our alley with her two little girls in a rental unit. She never says hi, doesn't care if her vehicles jut out into the driving area, chains up a little dog on a 5 ft leash and let's it bark for hours on end. There's a guy and his teenage son living across the street in a rental duplex - only the father isn't really living there. They play their music so loud that we watch the water bounce in our glasses. Cars pull up to the house, honk; the son comes out to the car and talks for a couple seconds, then the car takes off. Just long enough to complete a drug deal. We live 2 blocks from the schools - elementary, junior and high school. Don't bother calling the cops. They don't care either.

I'm done.

I hate this day

As if this day didn't suck enough, now I have yet one more reason to hate it.

I was feeling kindof blue, so I stopped off at the Humane Society on my way to school. It kindof cheers me up to go in and give the pups a little scratch behind the ear. Anyway, I stopped in for about 15 minutes and when I went back out to my car, I found my window smashed and my book bag stolen - including my wallet, my prescription medication, my books, but most of all, my faith in humankind. I guess I should look at all of the people who offered sympathy and help, including a cop who actually swept the glass out from under my car. But I can't. It really doesn't help that it's in a mostly poor black neighborhood. All of those ugly prejudices immediately raced to the front of my brain. I want to scream out every racial slur that I can think of and buy a big giant gun. I want to ask why nobody cares, why people from the hood don't teach their kids that stealing and vandalism is WRONG, always wrong and not just wrong when you get caught! I know it's irrational. I know I shouldn't blame a whole race. I know I should have more tolerance. It's just really hard sometimes.

Want some irony? First, I was on my way to a class on intercultural communications. Hope they enjoy that book. I suppose they got a good laugh out of that. And second, my medication was a new prescription for anxiety attacks.

There's my day. The fact that I also went on a job interview and that I lost weight is sort of moot.

Stats: 165/150.12/135

The Race Is On... I'm the Turtle

I went to get weighed in today after lunch and I've stayed the same from two days ago. So I'm thinking, big deal, right? NO - they make me feel like I'm on a "plateau." I hate the way this company, makes clients feel like a failure if they don't lose weight fast enough. She's asking me if I'm staying on plan, drinking enough water, eating my supplements. Yes, b*tch, I am. Re-freeking-ligeously! I've stopped drinking alcohol and diet pepsi. I've started exercising faithfully. I've been actually pretty proud of my losses, but then I go into the clinic and BAM! Suddenly I'm a LOSER - or in this case not a loser. So eff it. Why do I continue to put up with that crap? I want to say, yeah, fatty (they're not just employees, they're clients, too!), I didn't lose five pounds this week, but I also only have 18 to go until my goal - how about you?? Whatever. What are they going to do when I gain on my "plateau buster" plan next week - blame me again for their crappy program's failure to make the pounds melt off? And the counselor this week had a stupid southern belle accent. Come on - you're in the midwest - cut the twang, y'all. About y'all... did I bring someone with me cuz I don't think I did. I believe I'm just y' without the all. At least she didn't say yous.

Your BMI is supposed to be as follows

Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

Mine has gone from 30.2 down to 28.

Stats: 165/152.12/135

What's New

Nuthin much. I tried to write yesterday but I couldn't remember my password - duh. Well, I weighed in and got measured. 15 inches lost all over. I'm supposed to be wowed by that but I'm really not. It's far more exciting to have pants fit than to know I've lost an inch on my thigh. BFD.

You know, I'm supposed to put links in here to make it a real blog. I really dig the Hungry Girl's website - www.hungry-girl.com. The recipes are awesome and the product reviews are honest and reliable. Plus, the web design is faboo. Very cool stuff.

Well, I'm bored and going to bed.

Stats: 165/152.12/135

Hmm - a line a day huh?

I have just recovered from Labor Day weekend. I didn't drink anything, but I did eat some bad things. Don't tell my counselor. I ate:
Old Dutch Kettle Chips Buffalo Wings & Blue Cheese flavor (yeah when I cheat I CHEAT!)
Pretzels - like a half a bag (mmm, salty cravings)
One little bite sized beef stick piece

Wow - I think that's it. Actually not bad and not all on the same day either. And, after I ate the half bag of pretzels I got on the treadmill and sweated off 250 calories, so...

But, I did not lose the one pound over Labor Day weekend that would earn me a free week of weight loss. Yeah, like I'll ever stay on this diet longer than I have to. I'm just not losing very quickly - not gaining though, so whatever.

I am getting sick of being the designated driver. On the other hand, it's sort of freeing to be sober when everyone else is tanked. We start bowling on Saturday. That should be interesting. The name of our team is "Bulldogs" - as in Colorado bulldog, as in the drink with kahlua, cream, cola, and vodka, as in WAYYYY not on my diet. This'll be the first year that team bulldog doesn't start the season with a bulldog toast. Gawd I hate this diet. Maybe I'll bowl better though. Maybe not and I have a hard enough time keeping fat stats - don't expect bowling stats!

Speaking of... btw I'm changing my goal weight to 135. It's more attainable. Shuttup - it's my blog!

Stats: 165/153.4/135